Things To Say When You Are "Stressed"

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf%#^ you!!!"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

"Do I look like a f%#^ing people person!"

"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

"I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"

"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

"Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done."

"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

"Earth is full. Go home."

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

"You are depriving some village of an idiot."

"If assholes could fly, this place would be a f#^@in' airport!"

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"

"I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."

"I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."

"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."

"It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."

"Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."

"No, my powers can only be used for good."

"How about never? Is never good for you?"

"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me."

"You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication."

"I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..."

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant."

"Who me? I just wander from room to room."

"My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!"

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy."

"At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits."

"You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject."